The Most Pointless Car Modifications Money Can Buy

Modded cars serve only three purposes; they ruin what used to be a perfectly good looking body, they defile a wonderful piece of engineering by pushing the engine past its limits and eventually destroying it (and sometimes the occupants inside), and they annoy the crap out of people. Every time I see someone low-riding in a bright orange 1995 Honda Civic with an exhaust pipe the size of the Channel Tunnel, I am reminded of the South Park episode where people who are seemingly pissed off at everything and express their anger by driving big trucks and loud cars, are ultimately only compensating for what they lack below the waist. Now I’m not saying everyone who modifies their car isn’t packin’, but do be conscientious of how your mods make you look to people other than yourself.

Let’s get this started.

Lifted Trucks:

Why the hell would you lift a truck that already has enough ground clearance to clear a medium sized boulder? Is it just too easy to get into, or have you always wanted to climb up to the drivers seat like ┬áit was the summit of Half Dome? Sure it may be good to sit 6 feet off the ground during the zombie apocalypse, but for everyday driving, you just look absolutely ridiculous. I know you need to command respect, because you can’t get it anywhere else, but this plan is sure to backfire. Hey – while you’re at it, you should add an exhaust to your V10 diesel that belches out black smoke when you hit the gas. No one could possibly think you’re a douche with those mods.

truck_tedious

Which brings me to a related topic…

Lowered Trucks:

Why the hell would you lower a truck that is designed to be high off the ground for better towing and other heavy-duty activities? By lowering the ride height, you have essentially shredded the 30 grand you spent to buy the truck in the first place. Now you own a truck that cannot enter or exit a driveway without clipping the front bumper, or even go over a 6 inch speed bump. I understand that people who drive Lamborghinis and Ferraris have this problem, but sharing these issues does not put you on equal ground with supercar owners.

lowered_truck

Huge Rims and Skinny Tires:

Rims “tie the room together,” so to speak. A nice design that isn’t flashy or outlandish can make a car look classy or sporty. HOWEVER, rims that won’t even fit in the wheel well are pointless and ugly. I can’t even imagine what it does to the ride quality, but it can’t be an improvement when you are riding on less than 2 or 3 centimeters of rubber.

40_Inch_Rims

Sprewells (a.k.a. Spinners):

These are the rims that come in two parts. Attached to a rim (usually chrome) is a spinning piece of metal that usually spins in the opposite direction when you drive and will continue spinning when you stop. This gives a shiny effect, and will definitely attract the gaze of passersby. I don’t have a problem with these per se, it’s just they are usually not attached to a hip SUV like an Escalade or Tahoe. In fact, most of the cars I see sporting sprewells are rusted minivans. I just fail to understand why someone would want to attract attention to their already crappy minivan by fitting spinners on it. Maybe I’m just not cool enough…

sprewell

Huge Turbos with a Gas Blow-Off Valve:

These are the Mitsubishi Eclipses, the Honda Civics, and the Acura Integras that make a pssssssh sound when they change gear or lay off the gas. Outfitting a turbo can be cool for a teenager who wants to make his car more peppy, but don’t advertise it. Regardless of what turbo you buy and how many more horsepower you get, you will still be driving a Civic. Not to mention, the sound generated by the combination of the blow-off valve and the accompanying cheap exhaust is about as pleasing as loud dubstep with a hangover, William Hung singing Ave Maria, Nikki Minaj’s latest single, or accordion music.

Cheap Exhausts with Huge/Multiple Pipes:

I absolutely love the sound of a mean exhaust, but there is a difference between the cheap $200 exhaust and a $4,000 custom set-up. Unfortunately, most drivers in the market for an aftermarket exhaust want something that is cheap to buy and cheap to install, because their cars are in fact, cheap. Don’t kid yourself, you are not impressing anyone with the sound of your clip-on exhaust. Actually, you are doing other drivers a favor by warning them to stay away from you on the road.

Here is a prime example that summarizes a few of our points:

IMG_20130319_170742

So, before you drop the cash to modify your car, think about how it’s going to make you look. And for the love of God, don’t be like this guy.

One response to “The Most Pointless Car Modifications Money Can Buy

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